Why Saying Anything Other Than ‘Pregnant’ Is The Worst (To Me)

She knows what's coming.

She gets it. // Photo credit: Corbis

I’m typically a big fan of word-shortening. I’m not sure if you’d ever call word-shortening a fad, though it may be real thanks to middle schoolers and their unreadable text messaging ways, but I specifically remember it being a “thing” in college. One day words had all their letters and the next day, consonants and vowels were missing. My girl friends and I would go to great lengths (get it?) to try to shorten as many words as we could, as obnoxiously as we could. It brought us immense joy for some reason and we used it against our now husbands who were then honors students and cute, smarty-pants nerds (and still are). Our nonsensical lingo drove them nuts and we used it as a weapon whenever possible. We frequently said things like:

perfs = perfect

totes = totally

awes = awesome

totes awes = totally awesome

We butchered the English language for pure amusement and I personally loved everything we came up with until someone somewhere shortened the word ‘pregnant’ and it was the worst thing I’d ever heard.

Now I hear or see shortcuts for ‘pregnant’ everywhere, especially now that I myself am pregnant and frequent baby sites. Hearing or seeing anything else other than ‘pregnant’ is like nails on a chalkboard. It makes my teeth grind and my ears itch. I frustratedly pop my knuckles to get it all out of my system. If I know you well and you use a shortcut for ‘pregnant’ around me, don’t be surprised if I give you a good smack on the arm. It’s that loathsome to me.

I think the difference between the shortcuts my friends and I used and these popular pregnancy ones is that we only used them around each other (and our husbands), not around the real world in real life. I would never write “totes” in a forum or say “totes awes” to someone who’s not in on the joke. But these ‘pregnant’ shortcuts somehow grew to be widely accepted and I fear there’s no going back. To which shortcuts am I specifically referring? I will write them solely as a demonstration and also as a GIANT hint to never say these words around me. Ever. And yes I will have to wash my hands after I finish this post.

Worst Shortcuts for ‘Pregnant’:

1. Prego 

Used in a sentence: Wow, I didn’t know you were prego!

Probably the most frequent shortcut used, “Prego” is actually something real, not a shortcut, that has been stolen and misused by too many. It’s a brand of Italian sauce, and I’m so glad it’s still the first thing that pops up when I type it into Google. Whenever I read a sentence like “Back when I was prego…” in a pregnancy forum, my first instinct is to act like a politically correct 9 year old and respond with “Oh really? You were once an Italian sauce? What was that like? That must’ve been just crazy weird to have one day been a woman and then suddenly become a jar full of pureed tomatoes. What a life you’ve lived!”

But I’m anti-troll and the women in these forums are surprisingly vicious enough as it is just over diapers, so I’ll keep my 9 year old reactions out of the forums.

:-(

:-(

2. Preggo

Used in a sentence: So many of my friends are preggo right now.

Same word, two g’s, doesn’t make it any better. Maybe makes it worse.

3. Preggie

Used in a sentence: I’m finally preggie!

OOF. No. I know there are such things as “Preggie Pops” to help out with morning sickness, which I can appreciate, but had they existed here during my morning sickness phase, it would’ve been physically difficult for me to purchase them because of the brand name. How about “Pops for the Pregnant” or “Pregnancy Pops” or “Pops Against Puking”? Yes?

I should’ve worked in the advertising industry.

This feels very Mary Poppins-y.

This feels very Mary Poppins-y.

4. Preggers

Used in a sentence: When I found out I was preggers, I almost fainted.

I’m at the end of my rope with this one. This may be the absolute worst shortcut to use. Does it not sound just… completely unattractive to say out loud or to, you know, type to other humans?

Oh no. It's a thing!

Oh no. It’s a thing!

5. Pregs

I find this one to be the least harmful of the group. It’s still not preferable, but it’s not entirely fork-scratching-a-ceramic-plate awful. One of my best friends uses it actually. Not overly so, but it’s in her vocabulary. Luckily I know the word she despises the most above all words, and oddly enough, I’ve found that a ton of other women hate the same word.

saynoThat being said, if you’re a woman and use any of these 5 terrible, mind-boggling shortcuts with me, I will immediately and repeatedly say the word “moist” until you can’t take it anymore. Moist, moist, moist!

Say “pregnant”, and just say no to prego.

Do you agree? Disagree? Use all 5 as often as possible? 

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